Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm a Poet! Did you know it?

Here are some poems that I have written over the years, some old and some new.  I hope you enjoy! I’ll post more later.
*I apologize to those who subscribed to my old MySpace blog, you may have read a few of them before.(though some have been revised)

Butterflies in the belly
Escaping reality, to you I run and hide
A unique comfort, which only you provide
Stuck in our own world that few can see
An imaginary bubble, where we can be free
A place where fun and laughter fill each day
All stress and all worries diminish away

Booty call
Late at night the phone begins to ring
Knowing all you want is just one thing
I answer your calls and invite you in
Anticipating the pleasure that’s about to begin
We both know that we’re a horrible match
But it’s so much fun with out the strings attached
We let passion and pleasure fill the night
Wake in the morning with no expectations in sight
So take your cake and eat it too
Just know that I too am using you

Goodbye to my dear sweet friend
I send you off with a toast
You showed me your true colors
When I needed you the most
Enjoy your selfish life
I hope Karma gets you soon
The table is bound to turn
And you’ll sing a different tune
I have plenty of friends
Amazing ones at that
Real friends who stand by me
Through the roughest of combats
I will not miss you
And I’m sure you will not miss me
Already to self absorbed
When I sent out my greatest plea
You are an attention whore
Sorry I needed a little back
Its okay I didn’t get it
Put reality back on track
You were never there
When I needed you the most
Thus the reason I say farewell
And send you with this toast

Building Walls
Going back to the day, for you my legs spread
Different actions would be made, different words would be said
I just never thought we’d continue it night after night
Holding you close began feeling so right
A fear of commitment kept up a brick wall
As days went by pieces began to crumble and fall
I’m not the only one with a wall guarding me
You have your own protecting you, I can see
As my wall comes down and I let more of me show
Conversations thicken and you I get to better know
I saw a kind gentle person, but I judged way to quick
Realizing your way of keeping people out was by being a dick
The wall around you is much stronger than mine
The unfortunate result when pain and fear combine
Regretting the fact that I let you in at all
I’ll continue on rebuilding a much stronger wall

With a dark stare in your eyes, and a smile that’s bright
So scared to love, so ready to fight
So much anger you are unable to free
Pain deep inside, which few can see
A beauty is in you that radiantly glows
A mystery, which the answer nobody knows
Walking through life, there is more that you need
Unfound fulfillment leaving your soul to bleed
I can tell you care as you show resistance
Taking steps forward while keeping your distance
“Patience is a Virtue” so I’ll step back and be your friend
Patiently waiting on your heart to mend

It’s over
Time keeps passing as we scream and shout
Why kid ourselves…we know it won’t work out.
There is no reason to bicker, no reason to fight.
All of the arguing will not make things all right.
There were good times, but they since have passed.
Just because we were happy once, didn’t mean it would last.
We could try to hold on, but you nor I are that strong.
So let’s go our own ways, neither of us being in the wrong.
You’ll be fine without me, so please set me free.
We can’t make something work, that was never meant to be.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Vicodin, Oxycontin, Heroin..OH MY !!

            When it came to Heroin, I used to have this theory…Legalize it, and let all of the stupid people kill themselves off.  Well oh crap!... Those “stupid” people are now the ones I love!  What the heck is going on in America.  Hell the Taliban doesn’t need to attack us, we are slowly killing ourselves off.
            In Fairfield county, Ohio ¼ babies are born addicted to some type of opiate.  (Hows that for a promising Future!) Right now and for the last 2 years drug overdose has been the #1 accidental cause of death in Ohio!  Yeah #1,, beating out car accidents!  Seriously,, when is it gonna stop?
            There is no one out there, no matter what there age, race, or social status who is not affected right now in some way by pills or heroin addiction, weather it be them, a family member, or a friend.  So with soooo many people dealing with such an issue, how is it as a community we are not coming together to help?  There are a few groups locally that are giving a valiant effort to make change, unfortunately without numbers and money, they can not get too far.
            I have a good friend who has lost her son to heroin.  Her and I went to a meeting with some of the city officials, to talk about what can be done, share ideas, figure out how to get community involvement.  They shared with us, their “anonymous questionnaires” they are passing out to students in order to get a better idea of what is going on with teens now days.  (because you know kids, they are sooo honest, they will totally check a box on a questionnaire saying they pop pills and shoot up…..*Serious Sarcasm on this one)  
            There is community dances being planned to celebrate “sober nights” for teens….Okay this is great to have a dance for kids, but where exactly is this helping fight the problem?  You want to give kids something to do sober (other than go to the local mall!) than give this town a recreation center, a youth center, somewhere where they can go any day, not just once every few months for a couple hours.  Sure we have the YMCA, but seriously, how many working class Americans can afford that?  We need someplace kids can go to talk to counselors at anytime for no cost!!!  I remember wanting to talk to my mom when I was growing up about quite a few SERIOUS issues, but the fear of getting into trouble stopped me from ever talking to her, instead like an idiot I listened to my peers. You would think with sooo many people in this community that enough people could VOLUNTEER their time to set up  24 hour teen counciling?   
            And if you’re gonna send people in to talk to kids about addiction, don’t send people in suits and ties, send people who have walked the road and who teens can relate to.  Remember kids are living in an “MTV World”  they are gonna respond more to someone who looks “cool”, someone who can talk to them at they’re level, not someone who looks like a doctor or lawyer.  Yeah I know it sounds ridiculous, but its true.
            I watch the news and see of the ridiculous government spending going on out there, yet I’m not seeing any funding go to stop this epidemic.  Thank god they are slowly cracking down on all the drug dealing doctors, passing out pain pills like their candy, still a long way to go though! We need funding for rehabilitation.  Its not like someone can just wake up one day and say “I don’t want to do pills/heroin anymore”  There is a severe physical and mental addiction, that requires medical help in most cases.  Unfortunatly until the community raises their voices, and gets active on the issue, the problems going to keep getting worse.  
            My best friend lost her mother recently to an overdose.  I watched her struggle with her moms addiction since we were kids.  Honestly I would say that she was the parent of the relationship.  Then I have my friend who has lost her son.  NO ONE can ever possibly understand when doing pills and heroin how you are not only killing yourself but you are slowly killing your loved ones.  And once that addiction finaly takes you, the battle is just beginning for your loved ones, who are left with no understanding on how things got this far, how they could have done something different, how they can have a piece of you back just to be close to you.  
            There is sooo much more I can say and ramble on about, but the fact of the matter is, its just talk!  And as my daddy always told me,,, “Talk is Cheap”.  Until I/WE DO something, that’s all it will remain, is an idea of change.  

Monday, October 4, 2010

Almost Busted..

            I should be nominated for “Mother of the  Year” after this one!  Last night Jake loses yet another tooth.  Oh yeah,, tooth number 5.  Anywho, he is in bed and I am doing dishes, cleaning, writing, the usual, and around 11:30 Jake wakes up having nightmares.  Being the good mommy that I am, I go and crawl into bed with him to help him fall back asleep.  Well big problem….I fell asleep.                  
            Which normally this would be cool, but, not when you are the tooth fairy!
            Jake wakes up with excitement in his eyes. With absolutely no hesitation he jumps up and says, “I wonder what the tooth fairy brought me.”
            This is the point where I’m like “OH SHIT!”..(not really, but I was defiantly thinkin’ it!)  Now I must come up with some elaborate story for why the tooth fairy did not come last night.  Jake lifts his pillow to pull out the tooth still under the pillow, his face filled with disappointment

Jake- Mommy, my tooth is still here?

(Oh No,, think fast, think fast!)

Me-Huh, I cant believe the tooth fairy didn’t come, it must have been all that rain

(first thing that popped in my head?)


Me-Yeah, she probably didn’t want to get her wings all wet.

Jake-No sir Mom! I know the real reason why

(Oh crap, hes on to me, my tooth fairy gig is up!)

Me- whats that ?

Jake- Its because you were in bed with me.  The tooth fairy isn’t gonna come if your there, she knows you’ll wake up and see her.  I don’t want to be mean mommy, but can you sleep in your bed tonight.


Me-Sure Jake J

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Nothing's Free

            I graduated high school and ended up spending the next four years traveling…okay so maybe it was more like living out of tents with a bunch of hippies in random spots over the nation…but either way it was traveling!   I have learned many of life’s most important lessons on the road.  You know the lessons your parents try like hell to drill into your head, but you just have to find out on your own, the hard way. 
            Well, I over hear…okay maybe I was eavesdropping… on this young girl, all of about 20, going on about this man who was “spoiling” her with gifts.  And he didn’t want anything in return!  Hahahaha….silly girl!  Didn’t you ever watch “Pretty Woman”? 
            I remember learning this lesson!
            It was bar closing time in Clearwater, Florida, 4 friends and I came up with the bright idea that a trip to the Keys would be fun.  So we hop in the car at 3 AM and drive to Key West.  Well of course we pull into Key West about 10 oclock the next morning with the worst hangover from hell and extremely cramped from shoving 5 people in a Toyota corolla  for 7 hours.  Once there, the five of us “free spirits” decide it’s a cool place and that we’re gonna get jobs and hang there for a while.  I would say it was about day 3 when I am standing out in front of our hotel late at night.  A guy walks by and I stop him to bum a cigarette.  We begin talking for a while and he invites me to Denny’s for some late night breakfast…on him!  I’m like Hellz to the Yeah!  So we walk across the street and enjoy a yummy meal …but this is where it began to go sour.  The waitress brings us our bill, and the douchebag tells me he has no money to pay for it.
            Huh…? Seriously loser?  So the waitress is pissed,,rightfully so.  I am embarrassed, and get up to go to the bathroom while they argue it out.  When I came out of the bathroom, I notice a table of 3 older gentlemen staring at me, and one stops me as I walk by.  He asks what was goin on over there.  Me being the blunt person that I am tells them with hostility about this Jackass I just met that invited me out for some grub and now has no money to pay…How Embarassing!  Well one of the complete strangers offers to pay the bill to end the problem…Nice guy that he was.  He pays the bill for us, then looks at Jackass and tells him to apologize to me, and get the hell outta there.  The guy does and leaves with his tail tucked between his legs.  The guy who paid the bill, who we will call “sugar daddy”, invites me to sit and chat with him and his friends, and feeling obligated that this guy just got me out of this situation, I take him up on it.
            As I sit at the table the guys start asking me about my plans in the keys, and of course being the nieve little girl I was, I just start telling them how my friends and I are just partying and livin’ day to day.  Well then sugar daddy says he owns a bunch of property/condos on the island and offers for me and my friends to stay at one of his furnished water front cottages!  HECK YEAH!!   Not because he has other intentions, only because he cares.  Ha!  Boy was I a fool.  I do what every normal 20 year old girl would do.  I took him up on it.  So I was living the life for a while.  Living in a kickass waterfront condo, and sugar daddy was taking me to all the fancy shmancy places through the keys, shopping sprees, hell he even took me snorkeling…but of course he didn’t want sex, he was just being nice! Double Ha!
            I had called back home and of course tell my parents what I am up to and they Freak out!
MOM-“What!  Jennifer Ann!  What the hell are you thinking”
            “You know he is just trying to take advantage of you so he can get something”
ME-Oh mom,, hes just being nice….You know there are still nice people in the world”
MOM-“Jennifer, you’re gonna get yourself raped!”
ME-“oh mom, I’m fine, He’s just a nice guy that didn’t want to see me living out of a tent”
            Why didn’t I listen to my mom?  Oh that’s right because I was 20 years old and I knew Everything !  Well needless to say, mom was right.  It was about a week after that he called and asked if I wanted to come hang in the pool. I was like, sure!  So I get over to his place and went in.  I’m yelling for him “Sugar Daddy!...Sugar Daddy”  ( not really but it has a ring to it huh!)  Finaly I hear him yell from upstairs..”I’m up here!  Come on up!”  I get to the top of the steps and I see what looks like very hairy legs hanging out of a little French Maid outfit stretched across the bed. I round the corner to see “sugar daddy” laying on the bed in womens lingerie masturbating.  And he looks up at me and smiles and says “do you like what you see”….EWWWW!!! Not at all, It was the most disgusting sight of my life.  I was officially scarred!  I abruptly made a U-Turn and ran for the door.  He playfully chases after me asking me if wanted to have some “FUN” .... I’ll pass, would probably have more fun choking on my own vomit, but thanks anyways!
           I'm pretty sure that this is about the point where I began learning that maybe, just possibly, my parents actually knew more than me. 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hangin' with Sam

            Today was an awkward day.  A good friend of mine Sam, passed away a few weeks ago. He was a refugee from Baghdad, Iraq.  He came to the United States in 1972, gaining his citizenship in 1976.  This man LOVED the U.S.A.  That’s right, for all of you bigots and racists, he was an Iraqi who absolutely loved the United States!!! Even though he was segregated against and belittled for his race, he stood strong to America.  Sam had dated my grandmother until she had passed away in 1987.  Even though she is gone, Sam has remained like a grandfather to my brother and I treating us no different than what a blood relative would.  Long story short, upon his death, I am notified by police that I am basically “next of kin” so it is up to me to plan a funeral.  Mind you Sam had no life insurance, no will, and no money.  So this has been quite an ordeal (I wont go into details)
            Well I finally get the call today that Sams ashes are ready (after a 3 week legal battle).  I think that 28 mile drive to the funeral home was the absolute
Longest Drive of my Life!!!  It’s amazing all of the thoughts that go through your head.  I was not hurting or sad.  It was more of a weird odd unexplainable fealing of the thought that Sam was about to be riding in the car with me.  Bitter sweet….
            I arrive at the funeral home which is a whole experience in itself.  I walk through the doors passing an older gentleman on his way out.  His face was hung low, puffy eyes, red cheeks, you could definatly tell the man was really hurting.  I couldn’t help but wonder “who is it he lost?  Wife…parent…child?  The funeral director who was leading the older gentleman out the door directed me to a waiting area.  Now as if it isn’t bad enough that you are obviously in the building due to the fact you have lost a loved one, they sit you in a waiting area full of these brochures, plaques, plots, urns, pretty much everything they can sell you for a funeral.  That’s not the bad part, the bad part is that pretty much every item was in the thousands of dollars $$$  How depressing can you get.  You have just lost a loved one and now you get to stare at these prettied up mounted objects broadcasting the outrageous cost of it all.  Thank you funeral home, for making the waiting area so comfortable for me.  Anywho the director comes out and takes me to a back chapel where Sams ashes sit up on an alter.  He looks at me and says “There he is, I thank you for doing business with us.”  That’s it?  How awkward!  So I pick Sam up and we head out the door.
            I put Sam in the car, and pull out to begin my 28 mile drive back home.  It was not even a mile down the road when I realized this was bad.  I have an urn in my car in the passenger seat, which is extremely top heavy, and nothing to put it in to stop it from rolling over!  So I do the first thing that pops in my head.  I pull over and strap him in the seatbelt….hey that’s what they’re for right, to secure the passenger (nobody said anything about being alive)!  Now that Sam’s securely fastened in, I hop back on the road.  
            “Hands at 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock” I tell myself.  Probably the most alert, safe driving I have ever done!
            My mind begins racing.  I actually speak out loud to Sam.  I wondered weather he could hear me? I wondered even more if he could see me?  Either way, I spoke and occasionally reached out and touched the urn.  I arrive home and carry him upstairs and placed him on a shelf in front of my window.  I do have plans to spread his ashes, but the spot where he wanted them spread will require an indepth covert plan to avoid getting caught.  So until the plans are set, in my window he will stay.  One thing I had not thought about was my son.
            Jake came home from school and looks right at the urn and says “Mommy, is that Grandpa Sam in there?”  !!! How does he know this?  What do I say?
            I am honest and tell him yes.  He giggles and begins to talk to Sam, pulling out his school pictures and holding them in front of the urn showing them to what was once his “grandfather”.  He looks at me and says “Mom at least now we have an angel living with us.”   Talk about CHILLS !  He then turned and went about his normal business, showing no signs of weirdness or uncomfort.  I must say, he was way more at ease with the situation than I was.
            The rest of the evening I have went about my normal business but can’t help but look up at Sam in my window every few minutes and think about him, and where he’s at? Is he watching?  I’m not much of a religious person, so my whole idea of the afterlife is a bit undetermined at this point.
            So I’m gonna spend my week with Sam, while my brother and I plan our covert mission on the spreading of the ashes.  Its been a sad day, yet a feeling of calmness that I have a new guardian angel.  It will definatly be a thought provoking week none the less.

Sam Georgesian
1/31/34 - 9/11/10

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Vending Machines

          So I am standing at a pop machine (that translates to soda machine to all you southerners/west coasters) I pull out a dollar bill and put it in the machine.  Well apparently the vending machine gods decided my dollar bill was too wrinkled and spit the bill right back out.  So I do what every normal person would do….shove it back in there!  Once again the wear and tear proves too much for the vending machine to handle and the bill comes shooting back out.  That’s It…I’ll show this damn machine, I will take the bill and smooth it out. Oh yeah, I pulled out all the tricks, even the one where you grab each end of the bill then rub it back and forth over the corner of the machine smoothing each side, putting the bill three inches from my face to inspect that there is absolutely NO edge popping up.  This is it! This has got too work! 
            Yet to my dismay, just as irritating as nails on a chalkboard, I hear the buzz of my bill being spit back out.  I must breakdown and admit that I need a new crisp bill.  I look in my purse, no more one dollar bills, not enough change, and  the damn thing won’t take debit.  So I say screw it.  . 
            Why is this such a hard thing to do?  Why do we ALWAYS have to put that bill in the machine over and over, knowing damn well the bill just sucks and should really be used for nothing more than a strippers thong at this point…..(Anyone sensing any symbolism yet?)
            At that point I walked my lazy butt to my apartment to get a CRISP one dollar bill. (Which I could have walked back and forth about 20 times in the same amount of time I screwed with the crappy dollar!)  I walk to the machine, pop it in, and voila, out came my soda!   I was so happy, almost like I had defeated that stupid machine.  I walk back home, happily sipping my soda when I had an epiphany..(yes this story does have a point!) 
            Holy Shit!  My ex is the wrinkled bill and the machine is the relationship.  Stay with me here. I know this sounds like some stoner shit…but its sooo true.  I kept putting that wrinkled up bill(the ex) in the machine(relationship) over and over and over, expecting the pop machine to finaly work and give a damn soda(love…awww).  All I would have had to do is get a nice crisp bill (new and improved man) and the machine would have worked.  Seems so simple, huh? 
            From now on….I'll take quarters!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Where's the country of Lesbia ??

            So there are soooo many times I am asked by people about my childhood and what it was like growing up with a lesbian mom.  (OH SNAP….did she just say her mom is gay!) That’s right homophobes run for the door…haha.  I always share the same story when I am asked…
            I was about 6 or 7 years old and my mom and dad had just got a divorce.  My mom, brother, and I had all moved to a little apartment.  My mom had a “best friend” that was always around, but to me it seemed normal. Mom was having a sleepover…right?  Then came the night when she as one would put it “came out of the closet” to my brother and I.
          She and her “friend” sat us down and my mom began to tell us that her “friend” was moving in with us.  I remember my brother flipping out, mind you he’s a lil’ older than me and much smarter than me, so he TOTALLY understood what mom was trying to say…but not me?  My brother was shouting at my mom “No Mom, everyone is gonna say you’re a lesbian !!! “.....HUH ????
Why does he keep saying mom is from another country?  Where is this country called Lesbia?   I had heard of Canadian, Arabian, Mexican, but Lesbian…this one I did not understand.   I had this vision that my mom was now going to start wearing something wrapped around her head and start talking in another language.  It was all so very confusing to me!  I just sat there with a look of confusion on why my brother was so angry over mom having a friend stay the night.
 I thought it was cool.